The Reality of Grief – “Fight or Flight”

From the Desk of RD

The Reality of Grief – The Denial Stage Is Fight or Flight

Every person’s experience of loss is unique to them, but one commonality is that life will never feel the same again. This is because not only does the loss of your loved one weigh you down, but you also spend time thinking of how your life could have been had they not passed.
Denial is not just being unable to accept that the person is gone; it’s also about constantly pinching yourself and telling yourself this is not real. I wake up several times at night, telling myself this is a bad dream. I walk around the house looking for my husband Gill. During the day, I have even called my late husband on his cell phone, hoping he would answer and that this nightmare is truly NOT happening. You experience feelings that the person is still around and refuse to accept the trauma you have just experienced. To try and understand myself better I have started to learn about the grieving process from reads and podcasts.
Denial is described in the psychological world as the first stage of grief. In this stage, you feel the world has turned upside down and struggle to see a tomorrow without your loved one.
It is comforting to understand that the denial process, which seems never-ending, is the first stage of grief and a protective mechanism of our body.

Our brain is powerful, and believe it or not, science has proven that the denial stage is a defense mechanism that actually helps us manage the pain of loss. In layman’s terms, our body is the home in which our brain lives and provides an anchor to our daily functions. The body is connected to the brain via bundles of nerve fibers that allow for an efficient roadway of sensation, emotion, cognition, and action. As soon as you experience trauma, the brain’s fight-or-flight mechanism kicks in to protect you from discomfort and anxiety. It is an unconscious process that serves to protect you. Fight or flight is basically a stress response that occurs when hormones are released in your body, prompting you to stay and fight or run and flee danger. If your body perceives itself to be in trouble, your system will work to keep you alive.

In the last eight weeks, I have learned that, just as we accept other life events over which we have no control, we have to start processing the trauma. It could take weeks or months, and sometimes longer. Tell yourself that the denial stage is part of the healing process, giving you time to absorb the trauma you have experienced. This shock period will start to fade as other healing emotions begin to surface. This does not mean you will forget your loved one. It simply means you will learn to cope without them around.

I have chosen the path of open communication as part of my healing journey. Every day, I take small steps:

• I live a memory of them—in Gill’s case, it was cooking, so I try to cook one of his favorite recipes. He was the “chef” in the house because he was a natural at cooking up a storm. I am going to try and embrace his talent.
• I do not stop myself from crying, and when I feel like crying, I do so without any feeling of embarrassment. I cry even in front of people I do not know.
• I talk about my feelings with my children, my friends, and in my blogs openly as part of my healing.
• I am reaching out to others who have sailed the same oceans for coping strategies.
• I am trying not to ask why it happened but to accept it as part of my life learning lessons.

I encourage our Embracing Grief Companions to share your personal journey and the coping skills that have worked for you.