Different Words & Responses

From the Desk of RD

The Reality of Grief – Different Words, Different Responses

It’s amazing how different words can generate different responses. When I went through my divorce, and people asked where my husband was, I would respond that I was going through a divorce. The typical response was, “Oh really, sorry to hear that, what happened?” This would often make me the topic of conversation, with people gossiping and creating their own exaggerated versions of events. We divorced women were often viewed as “dangerous single women” to keep away from their husbands.

Now, as a widow, the response is slightly different. People say, “Oh no, I’m so sorry,” and fewer ask what happened. But then the advice starts pouring in: “Time will heal, be strong, don’t cry,” and so on. Some still feel threatened, especially if you are decent looking or better looking than them. Strange how these words, divorced and widowed, stir up different emotions.

But it does not change the fact that regardless, we are enduring a loss. The only difference being you can see one physically, and the other you cannot. Advice will come pouring in whether it is solicited or not.

The best advice I’ve received has come from other widows who have lost their husbands. I have joined numerous online groups where I read and meet other widows, some very young, and hear their painful struggles.

Here are a few things I’ve learned in the last 10 weeks of this most painful journey:

• Don’t bottle up your sadness. Let it spill out whenever you need to. Cry, scream, or cuss if you need to. Releasing your emotions is a necessary part of healing.
• It helps to have friends who are good listeners and don’t constantly give advice, especially if they haven’t experienced grief themselves. Join online groups and share your story and feelings with other widows who will understand.
• When people tell you, “I know what you’re going through,” resist the urge to get mad at them. It’s easy to get angry at such comments, but most friends are just struggling to find the right words to say to you.
• It’s okay to want alone time to figure things out. Don’t listen to what others tell you to do; decide for yourself what you want. They will call you impulsive, and over-emotional. Again, live life on your terms.
• Whatever you do, don’t turn to alcohol. It’s tempting to numb your pain with a drink, but that’s only a temporary fix. Find healthy solutions to recover, like exercising or joining a gym.
• Remember, there is still life and a world around you that you need to live in. Join groups and support others who are grieving as badly or even worse than you. By becoming their support, you’ll find your own healing happens faster.
• Listen to podcasts on grief stories. You’ll begin to make peace with the fact that your journey is now on a new path and your future has changed. Instead of moping, figure out the new course and continue to make life wonderful,

At the end of the day, this journey is yours to live, and yours to figure out. Simply heal in your own time and you will eventually be able to pick up the pieces.