Denial Phases Comes & Goes
From the Desk of RD
The Reality of Grief – Denial Phase Comes & Goes
The journey of grief comes in different stages, and unlike other things in life, these stages come and go in no particular order. The first stage, which is the denial stage, can drag on for months.
The denial phase of grief is meant to be the initial stage where individuals struggle to accept the reality of their loss. This phase is believed to serve as a protective mechanism, buffering the immediate shock and allowing time for the mind to process the overwhelming emotions. During denial, a person may feel numb, disoriented, or detached, often refusing to acknowledge the loss fully. This temporary response helps them gradually come to terms with the situation, providing a necessary respite before they can confront the deeper layers of their grief.
I am not too sure how one is expected to come to terms with the death of a loved one, especially when they leave the house saying “see you later” and you end up saying “goodbye.”
My denial phase comes and goes. I was in complete denial for a long time, even while my husband Gill was in a coma. My spiritual side kept believing he would wake up and be his usual self, whereas the logical side kept telling me to come to terms with reality. After he took his last breath, I got so busy with the arrangements that it felt like I was planning an event and he was about to arrive and assist anytime. During the two weeks of waiting for the cremation (believe it or not, funeral halls are booked), I visited him many times in the morgue, sitting and talking to him. In one way, it helped me accept the loss, while on the other side, I kept thinking he was going to get up and speak to me. If you want to look at the humorous side of things, at least he did not get a chance to argue with me ( and gosh I do miss those too!).
The finality started to hit me when we scattered his ashes. Today, after three going on four months, I still wake up in the morning thinking he is going to be there for his cup of coffee. I still come home expecting to see him cooking up a storm in the kitchen. All the things that used to irritate me about him, like the mess he made in the kitchen after cooking, leaving the cushions on the couch not in the order I placed them, and being late when we had to go somewhere, I now crave.
My journey of grief continues every minute, every hour, every day. I simply cannot even think about next week as I am unable to get a grip on myself for today. I have become an amazing actress when it comes to faking a smile and pretending everything is ok when it is not.
I read somewhere, “The song is ended but the melody lingers on”; I don’t think the song is ended. It continues to play in my head all the time.
